Well, here I am embarking on this last ditch attempt to shift a lot of fat & blubber before I become permanently entrenched within my four walls unable to hobble further than the dustbins.
I had always imagined myself looking svelte and glamorous when I finally got to be Mother of the Bride.
With designer-made outfit, excrutiatingly uncomfortable and very high shoes and a hat bigger than the Greek deficit, I duly took my alloted place in the Wedding Party. And then I saw the photos.
Who had played this cruel and dastardly trick? Who had superimposed my head on some middle-aged, fat woman's body?
I knew I needed to take action - but that morphed into going out less and eating more. The more I worried, the more I ate. The more I ate, the more wine I drank.
And then my daughter blithely mentioned gastric banding hypnotherapy during a phone conversation. "Huh?" says I - "what's that?". She briefly explained that you get hypnotised into thinking you've had a gastric band fitted. Now, I'd seriously considered this surgical procedure, but I certainly couldn't afford it, and anyway, it scared me. Especially hearing about this kind of "baby food" diet you have to endure. So I started researching.
When I felt I had a reasonable grasp of the facts, I emailed 4 practitioners reasonably local to me. Well, obviously this is a damn fine business to be in, as I never heard a dickie bird from 3 of them - must be so busy making fat people thin that they don't need the business. Makes you wonder why they bother to pay for a website doesn't it? But number 4 contacted me. In all fairness, (and let's call her Mary, which is not her real name, but will do the trick) Mary was recommended to me by a friend, I didn't find her all by myself.
I duly explain to Mary that I need her to knock a good 5 stone off my body (preferably in around the same amount of weeks). Hmm, not so fast Fatgirlslim - apparently I have to do some work as well! Wouldn't you just know it wasn't going to be as simple as it sounded! But I'm a game old bird, so booked an "introduction" session (no charge for this, yippee) for today so that she could assess my suitability.
Mary was very nice, and she didn't show any outward signs of horror when she saw the amount of flesh wobbling around my small frame. So that was a good start. We had a bit of a chat about me, and we all love talking about ourselves, do we not? She did a couple of quick exercises to test my resistance. Apparently, she did note a little resistance on one of them, but this apparently means that she just has to use an appropriate methodology with me.
My part of the bargain is to listen to a CD every day between visits, and really be true to myself in that I WANT to lose weight. Well of course I bloody do, I mean, who'd want to look like ME, for heaven's sake. But I'm frightened - frightened that I'll lose the pleasure of food and all the rituals surrounding it. I live to eat, not eat to live, so would I lose my purpose in life? Apparently not. You don't lose the enjoyment factor, but get to enjoy maybe a two finger Kit Kat - rather than having to eat the whole four finger multi-pack before feeling you've had enough.
So, I'm booked in for my 1st session tomorrow and then session number 4 is the actual "operation". How silly does this all sound? Well, we shall see. Incidentally, you can't eat for 12 hours before the operation session, so managed to find a day when she could do an 8.45am appointment. Yikes, a jouney into the unknown.........I've always said I'd be the perfect hostage - they could starve me for a month and I'd still manage to put on weight.
PLEASE let this work.
Watch this space............
I had always imagined myself looking svelte and glamorous when I finally got to be Mother of the Bride.
With designer-made outfit, excrutiatingly uncomfortable and very high shoes and a hat bigger than the Greek deficit, I duly took my alloted place in the Wedding Party. And then I saw the photos.
Who had played this cruel and dastardly trick? Who had superimposed my head on some middle-aged, fat woman's body?
I knew I needed to take action - but that morphed into going out less and eating more. The more I worried, the more I ate. The more I ate, the more wine I drank.
And then my daughter blithely mentioned gastric banding hypnotherapy during a phone conversation. "Huh?" says I - "what's that?". She briefly explained that you get hypnotised into thinking you've had a gastric band fitted. Now, I'd seriously considered this surgical procedure, but I certainly couldn't afford it, and anyway, it scared me. Especially hearing about this kind of "baby food" diet you have to endure. So I started researching.
When I felt I had a reasonable grasp of the facts, I emailed 4 practitioners reasonably local to me. Well, obviously this is a damn fine business to be in, as I never heard a dickie bird from 3 of them - must be so busy making fat people thin that they don't need the business. Makes you wonder why they bother to pay for a website doesn't it? But number 4 contacted me. In all fairness, (and let's call her Mary, which is not her real name, but will do the trick) Mary was recommended to me by a friend, I didn't find her all by myself.
I duly explain to Mary that I need her to knock a good 5 stone off my body (preferably in around the same amount of weeks). Hmm, not so fast Fatgirlslim - apparently I have to do some work as well! Wouldn't you just know it wasn't going to be as simple as it sounded! But I'm a game old bird, so booked an "introduction" session (no charge for this, yippee) for today so that she could assess my suitability.
Mary was very nice, and she didn't show any outward signs of horror when she saw the amount of flesh wobbling around my small frame. So that was a good start. We had a bit of a chat about me, and we all love talking about ourselves, do we not? She did a couple of quick exercises to test my resistance. Apparently, she did note a little resistance on one of them, but this apparently means that she just has to use an appropriate methodology with me.
My part of the bargain is to listen to a CD every day between visits, and really be true to myself in that I WANT to lose weight. Well of course I bloody do, I mean, who'd want to look like ME, for heaven's sake. But I'm frightened - frightened that I'll lose the pleasure of food and all the rituals surrounding it. I live to eat, not eat to live, so would I lose my purpose in life? Apparently not. You don't lose the enjoyment factor, but get to enjoy maybe a two finger Kit Kat - rather than having to eat the whole four finger multi-pack before feeling you've had enough.
So, I'm booked in for my 1st session tomorrow and then session number 4 is the actual "operation". How silly does this all sound? Well, we shall see. Incidentally, you can't eat for 12 hours before the operation session, so managed to find a day when she could do an 8.45am appointment. Yikes, a jouney into the unknown.........I've always said I'd be the perfect hostage - they could starve me for a month and I'd still manage to put on weight.
PLEASE let this work.
Watch this space............
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